Trim redundant dialogue explanation from an original scene

The redundant dialogue explanation in this original scene comes from two narrator sentences placed just after spoken lines. I want to remove those recaps while keeping the conversation and outward actions. Rhea and Cal are packing away their picnic things beneath a garden shelter, then leaving together. The people, shelter and events are invented. This is a choice about how I want to tell their small departure, with the complete working passage and selected revision supplied below.

The complete working scene

Rhea slid the folded blue cloth into her bag. “The cloth is back in the bag,” Rhea said. Rhea had just told Cal that the cloth was back in the bag. She ran a finger along the bag’s open edge, finding a loose thread caught against the buckle. Rain tapped on the shelter roof. The bench beneath it was dry apart from a dark mark near one leg.

Cal put his folded coat over his arm. “I will carry this,” Cal said, lifting the coat a little. Cal had announced that he would carry the coat. One sleeve hung below the other. He brought it up with his free hand and tucked it beneath the fold, leaving a narrow strip of lining visible. Beyond the shelter, the gate stood against a tuft of grass.

Rhea took the empty cup from the bench and put it beside the bag. A patch of pale light lay where the cup had stood. She looked at the patch while Cal moved toward the gate. The cup had left a clean circle within a faint scattering of grit. Rhea brushed one grain from its handle and turned the opening away from the rain.

Cal held the shelter gate open. “Are you ready?” Cal asked. “I am ready,” Rhea said. She lifted the cup and bag together, keeping the cup upright. Cal waited while she stepped through the gate. The bag’s long strap rested against her wrist, and she caught it with one finger before it slipped farther.

Rhea stopped outside and shifted the bag to her other hand. The cup remained upright. Cal followed her, drawing the gate toward its post until it rested there. They walked toward the path with the folded coat still over his arm. Behind them, rain reached the tuft of grass beside the gate, while the bench stayed beneath the shelter.

Narrator recap

The first narrator recap is “Rhea had just told Cal that the cloth was back in the bag.” It follows Rhea’s line, “The cloth is back in the bag.” The narrator reports the speech again immediately after we have been given the speech itself. For this version I prefer to move from her spoken line to her finger finding the loose thread. The thread gives her something to do with the bag while rain continues above them.

The cloth’s movement stays at the beginning. “Rhea slid the folded blue cloth into her bag” is an action I chose to show before she speaks. Removing the recap does not remove that placement. Rhea still puts the cloth away and tells Cal where it is. I can retain both an action and a spoken comment on it without also wanting a narrator sentence that tells us she has just made that comment. The particular extra report is what I cut.

The second sentence I remove

“Cal had announced that he would carry the coat” follows his line, “I will carry this,” and the action of lifting the coat. The surrounding sentences have already attached “this” to the folded coat over his arm. I prefer to go straight from that little lift to the uneven sleeves. The sleeve being brought up is an ordinary task that belongs to the departure I am writing. It gives Cal a continuation after he speaks.

I keep his final walk with the coat over his arm. That later action is different from a narrator reporting his announcement. The spoken line gives him an intention in the conversation; the ending actually places the coat with him as they walk toward the path. Cutting the recap leaves both parts on the page. I have no need to replace his line with a stronger promise or add another reply from Rhea.

Retained actions

The retained actions give the scene its small movements. Rhea finds a thread, Cal adjusts a sleeve, and later Rhea shifts her bag outside the gate. These details do more for my chosen telling than the two speech reports. I like the slight inconvenience of holding a cup and a bag together. Keeping the cup upright follows Rhea through the gate and into the ending, even though neither person comments on it.

The patch of pale light is also staying. It appears where the cup had stood, beside the clean circle and scattering of grit. Nobody says any of that in the conversation. The narrator gives the place a detail that I would lose if I removed every sentence outside the dialogue. I want the revision to keep this brief look at the bench while Cal moves away from it. My chosen cut is local, and the scene still has plenty of narration.

Other versions I considered

I could retain the two recaps deliberately. In that telling, the narrator keeps turning back to identify what each person has said before allowing the scene to continue. I find that voice more insistent than I want for this departure. Another version might make use of that insistence, especially if I wanted the narrator’s manner to be conspicuous. Here I prefer the bag’s thread and coat’s lining to arrive without the extra reports between speech and action.

I could instead remove the quoted lines and leave the narrator reports. Rhea would then have told Cal about the cloth, and Cal would have announced his intention, through the narrator’s account. That would give me a different realization of the exchange. The selected revision keeps their actual spoken wording and removes the appended recaps. I want to retain Rhea’s plain statement and Cal’s short “this” beside the lifted coat.

Another possible cut would remove the cloth’s placement and begin with Rhea speaking. I have not chosen it. The first movement opens the scene with something already being put away. It also gives the bag a presence before Rhea catches its thread. I like that connection between the opening and her next action. I can shorten the narrator’s report of speech while leaving the surrounding work of the scene intact.

The complete selected revision

Rhea slid the folded blue cloth into her bag. “The cloth is back in the bag,” Rhea said. She ran a finger along the bag’s open edge, finding a loose thread caught against the buckle. Rain tapped on the shelter roof. The bench beneath it was dry apart from a dark mark near one leg.

Cal put his folded coat over his arm. “I will carry this,” Cal said, lifting the coat a little. One sleeve hung below the other. He brought it up with his free hand and tucked it beneath the fold, leaving a narrow strip of lining visible. Beyond the shelter, the gate stood against a tuft of grass.

Rhea took the empty cup from the bench and put it beside the bag. A patch of pale light lay where the cup had stood. She looked at the patch while Cal moved toward the gate. The cup had left a clean circle within a faint scattering of grit. Rhea brushed one grain from its handle and turned the opening away from the rain.

Cal held the shelter gate open. “Are you ready?” Cal asked. “I am ready,” Rhea said. She lifted the cup and bag together, keeping the cup upright. Cal waited while she stepped through the gate. The bag’s long strap rested against her wrist, and she caught it with one finger before it slipped farther.

Rhea stopped outside and shifted the bag to her other hand. The cup remained upright. Cal followed her, drawing the gate toward its post until it rested there. They walked toward the path with the folded coat still over his arm. Behind them, rain reached the tuft of grass beside the gate, while the bench stayed beneath the shelter.

Read the actual change

In this version, Rhea’s statement leads into her finger moving along the bag’s edge. Cal’s line and gesture lead into the sleeve adjustment. The light patch still appears at the bench, the short readiness exchange still happens at the gate, and the pair still leave with the same things. I prefer the direct movement from those two spoken lines into the next small action. The earlier working passage remains available if I later want its more explanatory narrator.

Two related examples make different decisions. The repeated dialogue-line study retains two intended utterances with different explicit referents. The direct and reported dialogue comparison changes the form in which an exchange is told. This scene retains each spoken line once. Its chosen revision removes the narrator sentences that immediately report two of those lines again.

Optional writing-product references

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